Lola Álvarez, Pedagoga: "It is not worth discussing with a teenager for the disorder of her room"

The pedagogue Lola Álvarez Romano.

"Ten keys to understanding adolescence in positive" gives us the author of "But what's wrong with you?""I see in consultation many parents with indomitable children," he warns

Two of the "pills" that most recipe parents to adolescence are communication and humor.«Communicate with your children, talk to them every day, everything, of nothing, of life, shopping, school ... if you are sitting at the table or you go in the car or you are watching a movie, alwaysHave occasion.The sense of humor is also important, ”advises Lola Álvarez, a degree in Pedagogy and Master of Psychoanalytic Observation Studies and Doctoral Training as Psychotherapist of Children and Adolescents at the Tavistock Clinic.Adolescence scares what it implies, for everything that hides and the claws it shows: rebellion, changes, uncertainty, "and because it seems that it happens suddenly, so that the surprise factor is added to all that," says the pedagoguewith a baggage of thirty years of work with children and adolescents.

"To explain what happens in adolescence, you turn to the animal world."

-Yes.When you have a young child it is as if you had a puppy, a puppy that comes when you call it and make you, play with you and love you, but there comes a time when the dog becomes a cat, never comes when you call it, whatHe leaves the room just when you enter ... There begins adolescence.

"But it's passenger, right?"

"Yes, then there comes a time when a tall boy tells you:" Mom, do I help you with the bags? "The cat vanishes and you have a dog again.It is a metaphor that seems to me that adolescence illustrates very well, the change of animal that is suffered at that stage.

"We love dogs, but cats too!"

"Yes, yes, but they are your own ...

- "Ten keys to understanding positive adolescence" seems like a simple recipe book, but applying it to life is not so easy.What is the first key to do well?

- Record that we have been teenagers and understand that boys and girls from 10 or 11 years suffer a global transformation that encompasses all aspects of their person and their life, both physical and psychological and hormonal.And that makes them in a whirlwind that neither they understand and control at all.As a father or mother, you must observe it with a little distance, understanding that it is a process that has a beginning and an end.It cannot be a constant discussion.As a mother or as a father, you move away a little and, when he or she calms down, there is the discussion there.It is not about letting go of the rope and leave, but to find the good moment.They need their explosive moment to test their limits, their identity, to know who they are and start looking for their place in the world.

—The parents are human, we do not always have the ability to distance ourselves and maintain that calm.

"Yes, and they are very provocative."They want to cause a reaction in you.It's like they play with you, they need to play with their parents.Teenagers are like the cat that catches the mouse, chews a little and does not kill him, but leaves him lying and leaves.

"We must leave them or not to play with us?"

-A little, yes.I think the least productive is to take those challenging behaviors they have as personal.It is something they need to do with whoever, with whom they have in front.If as a father you take it as something personal the offense begins, the anger, the discussion.And it's not worth it.The teenager flexes his emotional muscles.At that time, parents are like a pediment wall.They don't stop throwing balls.

"Fathers are not stone, their balls hurt!"

"And you have to set limits, of course."But it's about choosing battles.Things like the disorder of their room or the hairstyle they carry are unimportant.It is not worth discussing for that.

"What should we not give in?"

—In the limits of what is a risk to them or can really harm them.We should not give in studies.You cannot force them to do what you want, but they must fulfill their responsibilities in their studies, in behavior with people and with society.It seems important to be social, correct, and people who can be next.Do not endure abuse.They must have clear limits, which are learned since childhood and will serve them for a lifetime: with the family, with friends, with their partners, their bosses, their co -workers ... They must learn that their rights end up whereThose of others begin.

"Where are the limits taught?"

"In house, always."This is not something that can be delegated to teachers, in schools.One of the consultations that I see most frequently is for parents who see their 6 -year -old children indomitable.They have no limits.Their parents have never put limits at all.The limit always puts when the child does not want.For example, when you have been in the park for a hours and it is time to go home.If the child starts crying, it is the same, you must take it home because that is the time.

"Do you grab it, you explain, or do you go and try to come behind?"

"You explain that at that time we have to go."And you have to tolerate that the child gets angry, to cry, to have a pamade, but you move forward.You should not give there.

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"Is it normal to be the enemy of your teenage son?"He gives up telling them no, makes you feel guilty.

—The problem is often that parents over identify with children.And parents are not colleagues, they must stay in the role of parents.Life is full of setbacks that they must learn to manage for themselves.It is fine that you understand them if they have a disgust, but identify, the right thing, provided that you do not imply that you leave your role as a mother or father.

"Well, today is very stipulated."If you do not consist and make your life revolve around them, you are "bad mother."

"Yes, it is a trend that began in the seventies, that of Father friend."They already have friends.Do not vouchers.

"A teenage classic:" They all leave me less. "

"Yes, but then you talk to another parents and you see that it is not."And then there are many parents who find it difficult to resist that pressure not to be in the group of parents-collegas.

"The teenager is surfing a difficult wave, you say with another metaphor, but he doesn't perceive any risk."

"Yes, they don't see the risk, they don't suffer from their parents' panic."A common thing is that when the baccalaureate ends, before starting the race, they go traveling with the backpack.You cannot inhibit them with your fears, there you must trust that what you have taught you until then will serve to develop.

"Adversity is learned, you say."

—The setbacks are great teachers, they are useful for learning.As parents we have to tolerate our children to make mistakes, to learn.Learning for experience is the most valuable.Sometimes you have to let them give themselves with the things that have been determined to do, and that they are wrong.Even suspend.Like when they tell you to dominate the agenda and you are seeing no, but you leave and suspend them.And they see that they were wrong.

—There are parents who do not tolerate their children's failure.It is a big pressure.

"Yes, there are very narcissistic parents, parents who do not tolerate that their children are not the best in everything."That they frustrate if their children make mistakes.And this happens a lot today.For their children to be perfect and do not fail anything, they avoid all kinds of setbacks.They even cheat ...

"Is the" why I say it "?

—The authority actually works when it is understood.There must be rules, but it is well to reason them.

"Is it okay to give your friends, tell them that we don't like it or is it counterproductive to do it?"

"It's okay to give your opinion."To adolescents the reference points of adults, even if they do not recognize it, always serve them.

—In this book you do not give problems such as the impact of a divorce, drug addiction or screens, or disorders such as anorexia.When should we worry about a teenage child, when should the alarm jump?

- The alarm signal of a serious problem is usually the radical changes of behavior, in what it does, how it dresses, in friends or habits.When your teenage son gives an abrupt change, he is always fine to investigate.

—You expect from the "fallacy" of the concept "quality time."Why?

"I better be an hour a day with your children than none, but you have to give importance to day -to -day minutiae."If you are not aware of your child's day -to -day life, it will hardly resort to you in times of crisis.

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